Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Agony of Trouser Shopping

Just returned from a trouser shopping run in the city centre. I hate trouser shopping. Unlike T-shirts, shirts, jumpers, shoes, trainers, socks, pants and negligees I can never find a pair of trousers that I like and which fit me. The shops I go to never have my size readily available (36 long since you ask) - you'd think that they would have hundreds of pairs in this size. I'm not some sort of freak am I? They have racks and racks of trousers in 28 medium and 30 short but never anything in my size. I'm often astounded at this - I mean, how many men are there out there with size 28 waists - size flipping 28!! These super slinky size 28 waisted blokes must be on a diet of air and water or something. I always have to ask a shop assistant to go and look in the stock room for me for a vaguely normal sized pair of trousers.

And that's not the end of it. Trousers, in my experience are either far too baggy, or horribly tapered. If there's one thing I can't stand in a trouser it's a taper. For this reason I normally settle for a baggyish kind of trouser (at least when buying jeans) - the kind which make you look like you've shit yourself, but the alternative is too horrible to contemplate. Tapered trousers just look stupid. They make you look like you're wearing clown's shoes - great big, whopping canoes which extend from the ankle hugging opening of your tapered trouser leg. I refuse to do it. I have my pride.

Unfortunately, I didn't really have an option today. I'm going for a semi-formal interview tomorrow (for a supply teaching agency - yes, things have got that bad) and need some trousers to go with a shirt and tie. Unfortunately, for reasons too complicated to go into, my suit is at my parents' house at the moment and so are my only pair of black shoes. I had to go and get some new trousers to go with a pair of brown shoes.

I decided to go mental and get some chinos.

You'd think that, in the entire city of York, some shop, somewhere, would stock a pair of chinos in size 36 long which are neither teenage skater-boy baggy or tapered like something from 1987. A pair with a bootcut flare at the end would have been nice. But no. Of course not. The choice, once the assistants had scoured the stockrooms of York, came down to a rather baggy pair of Chinos, too wide in the waist, but with a nice wide opening at the bottom on the one hand, or, on the other, a pair which fitted quite nicely around the waist, but which narrow at the very bottom to give you that 'I've got really massive feet' look. I had to get the tapered ones.

Fuck you, trousers retailers. Fuck you all.

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